Kirk: Everyone always asks me how I handle running the Enterprise.
Kirk: The secret is, I don’t.
Kirk: I have no control over anyone whatsoever.
Kirk: This morning, Chekov called my name, and when I showed up to see what was going on, Sulu shot me in the throat with a nerf gun.
Bones: Are you okay, Jim?
Kirk: I’ll be fine.
Chekov: Is this about Spock dying?
Bones: No, Chekov, he’s upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke.
Chekov: You and Spock just need to bone.
Kirk: What did you say?
Sulu: Don’t say it again.
Chekov: I said you two need to bone.
Kirk, gasping: How dare you Ensign Chekov, I am your SUPERIOR OFFICER.
Kirk: My history with Spock is none of your business
uhura: kirk and spock were acting so gay on the bridge today
chapel: how gay?
uhura: chekov and sulu kept looking behind them and whispering “gay”
chekov: Are you gay or Asian I’m confused which is it
sulu: i just want u to know that this is THE funniest question anyone has ever asked me
scotty: whats up slim jim
chekov: slimford jimford
sulu: slimmy jimmy
Chekov: Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock’s wedding will be the wedding of the century!
Sulu: Took about that long to happen.
Kirk, after hearing that half of his crew is being transferred: They’re making a huge, huge mistake. Let’s see the Admirality replace these people. Let’s see them find another Scotty. You think Scotties grow on trees? Well, they don’t. There is no Scotty tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Sulus? Show me that farm. With Sulus and Chekovs sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.
Sulu: *trying to solve a hard puzzle so they can get back to the Enterprise before dying*
Random Alien/Red Shirt: My life is in the hands of an idiot?
Chekov: No, no, no. Two idiots.