Category: kirk

bones, smacking bread onto both sides of kirk’s head: what are you?
kirk: a snack
bones: No.

spock: i try to be understanding of the captain’s feelings but there’s always so many of them

bones: do you even like me?
spock: of course i like you
bones: name one thing you like about me.
spock:
spock: your best friend.

Spock: We have to plan, we have to figure something out.
Kirk: Spock, when have any of our plans ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose.

Bones: I bet I know what went down with you and Jim.
Spock: Doctor, you know the rules. There is no fraternizing amongst high-level crewmembers.
Bones, under his breath: I think y’all might’ve fraternized a time or two.

kirk: I’m gonna be singing Cher Lloyd by Cher Lloyd, Oath with Becky G
kirk: right. and don’t forget all trouble we got into-
bones: WHY DOES SOMEBODY NOT KNOW HOW TO FLUSH A TOILET AFTER THEY’VE HAD A SHET?
kirk: It wasn’t me
bones: WELL IT WAS FUCKIN ONE OF YAZ! DISGUSTANG

bones: okay, that’s enough! no more talking about spock!
kirk: but you told me to get it out of my system…
bones: I had no idea how much you had in your system!

kirk: i have the wooorst job at starfleet. i’m an CAPTAIN ON THE ENTERPRISE and one time at 4:30 in the morning, i get a knock on my door. and spock says to me “there’s a red shirt dead in the bathroom” and i said “dead in the bathroom?” and he goes “DEAD IN THE BATHROOM” and i said “oh my god” so i walk down the hall and they show me this red shirt and he looks like he’s DEAD IN THE BATHROOM and so i called security and said “hey there’s a red shirt DEAD IN THE BATHROOM”
kirk: and security show up and then the red shirt wakes up and he starts ~throwing up violently! all over the place!~ and security says “we should call medbay” and then the red shirt says “DON’T CALL MEDBAY” and i said “WE SHOULD REALLY CALL MED-B-A-Y”
kirk: …… and we didn’t call medbay
kirk, now whispering: and then the red shirt gets into a fight with security and security gives him a hearing notice and then the red shirt [deep sigh] TEARS UP THE HEARING NOTICE IN FROOOOONT OF SECURITY
kirk: …… and this happened at 4:30 in the morning!

kirk: i don’t have “delusions of grandeur” i AM grand and powerful and very, very sexy and you all just have to accept that.