bones: jim i just had an idea.
bones: most vulcans don’t read human newspapers right?
kirk: … right.
bones: not even comics? like peanuts? they’ve probably never read peanuts??
kirk: bones, no
[later, spock and bones are in the rec room]
spock: So I just kick it right?
bones, holding a football: go ahead. i promise i’ll hold it.
Bones: Yo, dumbass. Get over here.
Kirk: I’m coming!
Spock: *as sad music plays* I thought… I was dumbass.
Kirk: Hey, where’s Spock?
Bones: Don’t know.
Kirk: When’s he going to be back?
Bones: Don’t care.
Kirk: Could you tell him I stopped by?
Bones: Don’t count on it.
Kirk: So how’s Spock?
Bones: Bad news.
Kirk: Oh no…
Bones: He’s still alive.
bones: do you know how many times your boyfriend has accidentally started fires?
spock: i don’t know… many?
bones: what about this one?
kirk: oh yeah, eighteen if you count this one.
(After Kirk goes missing)
Bones: I’m not good at best-case scenarios when I’m worried. Currently, my best-case scenario is that he died a painless death.
Spock: Or you know. Him not being dead.
Bones: In a coma then.
Spock: Or you know. Being well.
Bones: Being in a coma doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s unwell.
Spock: Where’s the Captain?
Bones: Well, he was having so much fun that he decided to toss himself down a ravine.
kirk: hey bones how are you
bones: i’m good
bones: i’m gonna fist fight spock the next time I see him but I’m good
Bones: I’m always right about these things.
Kirk: No, you’re not. Last week you thought Spock was trying to kill you.
Bones: Well, I’m sorry, but it’s hard to believe that someone would tell a story that dull just to tell it.
Bones: Jim, could you please inform Spock that he is being shunned?
Kirk: Spock, Bones says welcome back and that he could use a hug.
Bones: Okay, tell him that that’s not true.
Kirk: Bones says that he’s retiring to become a bricklayer.
Bones: Okay, no, Jim, tell him that I’m a Doctor! [Spock walks away] Jim! I’m a Doctor, not a bricklayer! Tell him!
Kirk: Spock… nah, that’s too far.
Bones: Damn you.