Kirk, after Spock ignores him for a whole two minutes: Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told him that he was the only ho for you. And that he was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly…he’s not yo’ ho no mo’.
Spock: We are not posing as a couple again.
Kirk: Are you sure? Because I’ve got a lot more terms of endearment to use. Honey pie. Sugar plum. Bread pudding.
Spock: Why are they all high-calorie foods?
Kirk: Do you want me to call you celery stick instead?
Kirk and Spock: *gazing into each others eyes*
Bones: *opens a beer and starts chugging*
Kirk: …we’re having a moment here.
Bones: And I’m having a drink.
Kirk: You honestly have the prettiest eyes.
Spock: Thank you.
Kirk: You’re welcome.
Kirk: This is when you’re supposed to compliment me back.
Spock: Name one person whose life was better because they broke rules.
Spock: Yes, he broke art rules. Name a person who broke a real one.
Kirk: Rosa Parks.
Spock: Name another.
Kirk: Susan B. Anthony.
Spock: Goddamn it.
Bones: God, Spock is driving me up the wall. Don’t you just hate him interfering with everything?
Kirk: [distracted] No, no, I love Spock.
Bones: Now that’s something I haven’t heard before.
Kirk: I mean… what did you ask me, again?
Bones: If Spock bothers you.
Kirk, stuttering: No, no. I – I love being… around him. Professionally, you know he is always… stimulating.
Kirk, unsuccessfully trying to save face: Not in the erotic sense of the word!!
Spock, having a realization: The Captain is making me an idiot.
Bones: Ask him out. It’s the story of life. Robot meets boy. Robot gets stupid. Robot and boy live stupidly ever after.
kirk: I don’t know how to tell you all this, so I’m just going to whisper it into Bones’s ear, causing him to shout it out in astonishment.
kirk: *Whispers to Bones*
bones: YOU’RE DATING SPOCK?!
kirk: i’m getting married
spock: i believe i should offer congratulations but-
kirk, slamming a stack of marriage papers on the table: sign here