Bones: Jim, why the hell, of all people, do you have a crush on the hobgoblin?
Kirk: Who the fuck told you that?
Scotty: I didn’t know it was some big secret!
Kirk: oh it wasn’t a big secret
Kirk: JUST LIKE THE TATTOO OF THE ENTERPRISE YOU GOT ON YOUR ASS NOT BEING A BIG SECRET
Sulu: YOU HAVE A WHAT?
Chekov: LET ME SEE LET ME SEE
Scotty: Mr. Chekov isn’t really from Russia, he’s been faking it the whole time!
Scotty: If I’m going down, I’m taking everybody with me
Sulu: Pavel, why would you lie about something like that?
Chekov: I don’t know, why do you own lingerie?
Uhura: Oh my fucking god
Sulu: UHURA WROTE AN EROTIC NOVEL
Chapel: Nyota Uhura, you dirty hoe!
Uhura: Christine has the biggest daddy kink!!!!
Chapel: Nyota, I told you that in confidence!!!
Bones: I can’t believe the best damn nurse on this ship has a daddy kink…
Chapel: LEONARD ONCE HAD A WET DREAM ABOUT MR. BEAN
Bones: I ONCE SAW SPOCK CRY BECAUSE JIM WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION TO HIM
Kirk: this is so chaotic im losing my mind what is wrong with this ship
Kirk: What’s the best part of human culture to you?
Spock: I am fascinated by the brief, cooperative applause.
Kirk: High fives?
Spock: Yes, those
Spock: We need to discuss the alert you sent out to the entire ship.
Kirk: It was a critical update.
Spock: It simply read, “I’m back on my bullshit.”
Kirk: People need to know.
kirk: im bi, which means i can only be attracted to two things.
bones: im not sure thats wha-
kirk: ive chosen spock and spock
Bones: Uh oh!
Bones: You’re in love with the damn hobgoblin.
Kirk: Please. I just respect Spock as a friend, alright? It’s not as though I lay awake at night thinking about him.
Kirk, lying in bed awake later that night: …Uh oh.
Spock: How do I alert the Captain to my affections for him?
Bones: Just treat him like he’s the only man in the world.
Spock, to Kirk: I need your sperm for humanity.
Kirk: My day was just made!
Bones: *sighing* What did Spock do?
kirk: maybe i have dumb bitch syndrome. maybe im a complete neanderthal and absolutely illiterate. but i will NOT allow you to disrespect me
spock: five minutes ago you backflipped away from me and almost fell out the airlock because you were “defending your virtue from the thots”. What is a thot?
kirk: let’s just say im one of them
*The captain and his first officer are surveying the geography of an unknown planet*
Kirk: What do your elf-eyes see, Mister Spock?